Bubba says that if you have nothing saved for retirement, the thing to do is to go onto an Air Force base and start whacking a bomber with a sledgehammer -- that way, you get to go to one of those nice Federal country-club type prisons, where all the white collar criminals go. Although, really, if I was going to commit a Federal offense, I think I'd prefer Mail Fraud -- you get to be famous with your picture in all the post offices. Fraud appeals to me in general -- I think it's absolutely foolish for anyone to ever commit suicide without going on a credit card spree first.

Perhaps I should volunteer to answer the Suicide Prevention hotline: I could probably stifle anyone's impulse to self-destruct with a few simple questions:

Have you maxed out your credit cards?

Have you sent in all those pre-approved credit card offers?

Do you have film being developed?

Do you have any mail orders you haven't received yet?

Have you come on to everyone of legal age that you want a piece of?

Do you have any lotto tickets outstanding?

How about Publisher's Clearinghouse? Hell, go ahead and order the damned magazines -- what have you got to lose?

Just call me Little Miss Sunshine.